I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It was confusing and full of hummus
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
