My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Of course I have a pirate flag
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
