Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
