meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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