Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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