Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
