just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I could fuck to npr.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
