Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
