How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
