What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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