I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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