I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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