is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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