theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
