he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
