The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
