i was born a porn star she said
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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