he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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