Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
