Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
