The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
