you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
