morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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