My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
