Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
