Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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