too bad you live with your parents still
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
