I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
