I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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