I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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