i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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