What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize