Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
soo... how was my night?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
