2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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