Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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