Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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