The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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