i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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