I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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