so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
