Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
