Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize