He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she peed on how many people?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
