Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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