I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
