A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
