So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
