my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
