winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
