we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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