I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
