Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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