just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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