im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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