that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
