3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
