flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize